Seminars by Sam Deep Quips Quotes & Quintessentials Page

Seminars by Sam Deep

We hope these words prove helpful for insight, for inspiration, and to share your values with others. The theme of this collection is Humorous Thoughts.

Earlier collections have focused on achievement and success, adversity and perseverance, advice for a better life, changing yourself and others, character and integrity in leadership, leadership effectiveness, the role of faith, teamwork, communicating, conflict resolution, and criticism and praise.

As you ponder these thoughts, recall the words of Blaise Pascal who said, "All the good maxims already exist in the world; we just fail to apply them."

Humorous Thoughts

(With and without redeeming value!)

Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

--Henny Youngman

Most of us would rather risk catastrophe than read the directions.

--Mignon McLaughlin

People tell me, "Gee, you look good." There are three ages of man: youth, middle age, and "Gee, you look good."

--Red Skelton

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come home.

--Bill Cosby

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

--Vince Lombardi

Any man in his 20's who is not a liberal has no heart. Any man in his 40's who is not a conservative has no brains.

--Winston Churchill

Bathe twice a day to be really clean, once a day to be passably clean, and once a week to avoid being a public menace.

-- Anthony Burgess

It seemed that every time we were organized into teams we would be reorganized. I was later to learn that in life we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.

--Petronius Arbiter (210 BC)

It's all right to drink like a fish--if you drink what a fish drinks.

--Mary Pettibone Poole

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

--Henny Youngman

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

--Author unknown

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

--Erma Bombeck

If you don't change the direction you're going, you'll wind up where you're headed.

--Author unknown

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

--Yogi Berra

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

--John Kenneth Galbraith

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

--Phyllis Diller

Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour.

--Ambrose Bierce

An athiest is a guy who watches a Notre Dame - SMU football game and doesn't care who wins.

--Dwight Eisenhower

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business.

--Will Rogers

When you go to court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

--Norm Crosby

A diplomat is a man who remembers a woman's birthday and forgets her age.

--Author unknown

A diplomat is a person who can you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

--Caskie Stinnett

One cannot judge "Lohengrin" from a first hearing, and I certainly do not intend to hear it a second time.

--Gioacchino A. Rossini

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

--Elvis Presley

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work, and the rest willing to let them.

--Robert Frost

A billion here, a billion there--pretty soon it adds up to real money.

--Everett Dirkson, speaking to fellow senators on government spending

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge, even where there is no river.

--Nikita Khrushchev

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

--Robert Orben

There's one way to find out if a man is honest--ask him. If he says "yes," you know he is crooked.

--Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

--Groucho Marx

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